Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
