it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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