I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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