Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
