just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
