You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
