Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
