if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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