I just saw a hot homeless man
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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