I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
