I'm so fucking centered right now
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
