Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
