No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
