i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
