Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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