Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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