Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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