she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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