i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
