Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
