He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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