dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She needs sedatives and a leash
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
