someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
