I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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