My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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