Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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