you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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