Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
