my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
