12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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