fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
