it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
