She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
