just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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