Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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