I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
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Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
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I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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