Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
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I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
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We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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