did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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