My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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