There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
