Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
