It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
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she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
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He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
A bitchslap is in order.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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