He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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