i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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