that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
