Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
