I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
