Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
