I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
