Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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