i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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