I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
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I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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