Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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